Sam and Martha came into my office and argued for almost the entire session. Each blamed the other for not listening, for not seeing the situation from the otherÕs point of view, for not ever giving in or compromising, for tuning the other out, for paying attention to others at work or to good friends outside of the material unit, and for dumping responsibilities on the other so that they could be free to do things outside of the home (working out, playing golf, socializing, etc.).
Sam and Martha each felt victimized by the other and justified in their position. Sam was concerned about the effect their fighting was having on their two children, so he ended up taking care of them a few evenings a week while Martha went to Ôbusiness meetings or out for cocktails with some friendsÕ. He also felt very neglected by Martha when she was home as she did not pay much individual attention to him socially or sexually. She felt he was overly controlling, unduly jealous, manipulative and not supportive enough of her new business endeavor. They each questioned whether they should stay married or get divorced. They were certain the situation was hopeless and they were discussing separation.
How would you respond?
Does this situation or a variation thereof sound familiar to you? What do you do when a couple like Sam and Martha are in your office? Do you discuss the possibility of teaching them new communication skills in order to sort through some of their differences? Do you open up a conversation regarding who is responsible for each personÕs individual experience? What about the fallout of unfulfilled expectations and how each person deals with anger and resentment? Do you shift the focus onto their history or do you address their current breakdown? Do you follow up their conversation about divorce and separation or do you go in another direction?