We live in very chaotic times where we are constantly pulled in different directions at once. Our culture is one based on how much money we have and how many things we have acquired. It is primarily an externally focused way of living that leaves little time for inner reflection. Therefore, relationship ends up being just one of the external things to manage along with our jobs, our children, our homes, maintenance, vacation, etc.
As most of us would agree, relationship is something very personal that is a reflection of our inner experience and feelings. Choosing a companion or life mate is not a quick, breezy decision. First, it requires deep introspection and the ability to know oneÕs own heart. Then, it requires the ability to know another at that deep level, and to have the skills to connect with that significant other. Those are some HUGE requirements that are not easily learned or accomplished in one fell swoop. Certainly they are not found in the normal, externally focused way of being. Thus, it takes a willingness to shift oneÕs focus from external acquisition to internal knowledge, growth and development. To be different from the norm entails courage and a desire to be true to oneself.
The journey inward requires great strength and tenacity for two reasons. One reason is the continual pull from our culture to focus on outside issues. The other is the difficulty in finding oneÕs way in the inner, seemingly dark and unknown labyrinth of the soul.
It could be said that the first relationship it takes courage to be in is the relationship with oneself. A person needs to make the choice that he or she wants to go on an inward journey of self-exploration. This initial step is an act of faith. It is saying, ÒI choose to look in the darkness and unknown places within me in order to find meaning.Ó At this point a person takes some time getting to know oneself. This can be done through various modalities such as meditation, prayer, counseling, joining spiritual growth groups, etc. This is actually a life-long process of exploring the self.
At some point, as this is going on, a person may desire to be in a romantic relationship. Having a ÔtrueÕ romantic relationship takes great courage and a willingness to be known by another. This presupposes that we are engaged in a process of self-discovery. Choosing a person to be with must come from the heart, not from some external set of criteria. Otherwise, we find ourselves back in the outer world of things and stuff; a world where it matters what other people think to the exclusion of our own inner experience. Having a meaningful relationship can be tricky business due, in part, to the illusion in our culture of what is important. Truly, we have it all backwards. The illusion is the outer set of criteria; what really makes a difference is in your own heart and soul.
This cultural illusion is based on fear and emptiness while connection with our soul/higher self is based on abundance and unconditional love. How do you recognize a fear-based relationship? If you find yourself thinking or acting in the following ways, it is likely that your relationship is fear-based: 1) you believe if your partner truly knew you, he/she would leave you; 2)you feel you have to continue to act a certain way in order to keep your partnerÕs interest; 3) you are trying to be the ÔperfectÕ partner; 4)you are secretly plotting to change your partner once you really ÔhaveÕ him/her; 5) you are hiding your fears and vulnerability, and much more.
How to recognize a soul-based loving relationship is as follows: 1) sharing yourself openly in order to authentically connect with another; 2) being truly interested and listening to the otherÕs experience; 3) seeing the other clearly in all their uniqueness; 4) embracing each otherÕs differences; 5) maintaining your center while interacting with the other person; 6) not expecting the other person to fill up your empty places inside; 7) speaking the truth as you see it and asking your partner for their truth; 8) letting go when necessary in order to be true to yourself; 9) loving freely, whatever the form may be, and much more.
There are three key steps to finding out where you are in your relationship. Are you caught up in the illusion and are you acting out of fear? Or are you coming from your heart? The first step is to ask yourself, ÒAm I truly expressing what is in my heart with this person?Ó The second step is to ask, ÒAm I really committed to this other personÕs well-being as well as my own regardless of what form this relationship takes?Ó The third is to ask, ÒAm I trusting that love is abundant and not something that I have to hold on to in order to survive?Ó
It is helpful to periodically assess where you are in your relationship. The above three steps are helpful in this regard. As humans, we tend to fall into the very human condition of fear and scarcity. This fear often causes us to hold on to another person, as if they were the only source of a loving experience. This not only isnÕt true, it also drives us into fear-based behaviors that are very damaging to the very relationship we say we want to cultivate. It requires a certain amount of vigilance to stay conscious to what is truly in our hearts.
This conscious commitment takes courage and sometimes we may find it difficult to do alone. That is where a coach or counselor can be very valuable. A non-biased third party can often help to keep you focused on your path, and may also teach you valuable communication skills. Couple-based workshops can be useful also. It takes great courage to walk the path of self-discovery and heart, donÕt be afraid to ask for help if you need it.