We have briefly looked at divorce from the adultÕs point of view as well as that of the counselor going through a divorce. Many of the letters I received from people responding to the Divorce Network requested that we look at how divorce affects children. I thought that instead of writing about children, I would interview them directly. The following paragraphs are a summary of what six children ranging from ages 8-15 had to say about their experiences. These children initially experienced divorce from ages 3-8. Half came from a joint custody situation and half from their mother being the primary residential parent and visitation with their father every other weekend. They all came from very privileged backgrounds. Their points of view do not represent all children.
The kids gathered around the kitchen counter and randomly tossed out their points of view. ÒI donÕt remember things being any different than the way they are right now,Ó said a number of them. Some kids worry about their future - like where they are going to live. Others may think it is their fault and either get upset or try to do things that will bring their parents back together. One child got so upset that he started acting out and his parents got quite concerned. This child remembered nothing ut of the ordinary about his parents break up. His dad shared with him some of the stories of hsi acting out and of how sensitive he was at that time. His son was amazed at how much he had forgotten. He enjoyed hearing about these episodes and the other children chimed in, requesting stories about their behavior during those times. They laughed a lot, realizing how far they had come in the process of making a successful transition to the present.
Then they spoke about some of the pros and cons of coming from divorced families. Some said that it was much better seeing their parents happy in separate homes rather than fighting constantly in the same home. One said he hates going back and forth because there is always something he forgets that he needs the next day such as his soccer shoes, tennis racquet, baseball uniform, etc. another said it was difficult living in two homes with two separate sets of rules. They all agreed that this took a lot of adjusting and adapting. They said one home was more relaxed and loving. The other home was Òfull of rules and disciplineÓ and generally was not much fun. All the children had a preference for the home where they felt love was demonstrated the most. Yet they were very accepting of being in two such different households.
Advantages
to my surprise, they saw many more advantages to living in two homes. They liked having two homes, two bedrooms, a greater selection of friends from two different neighborhoods and more privileges in one home. The way they figured it, they could have come from one home with lots of rules so they had an advantage of having an extra home where they experienced greater room for self expression. They usually had two birthday parties each year - one with each parent. That added up to two celebrations and a lot more presents as well as more attention. They felt they learned at an earlier age how to adapt more easily to change. They were more flexible in terms of schedules and more accepting in their personal relationships.
Not only did the kids enjoy sharing their experiences but they bonded together in a unique way. They realized that they were a special group that before that moment had remained undistinguished.
Support groups
This opens up the possibility for childrenÕs support groups for the sole purpose of networking or in conjunction with therapy. This would give healthy children from divorced families a chance to share ideas and relate to each other from a common base of experiences. These groups can begin the paradigm shift from Ôscarred children of the destructive divorce processÕ to a healthy networking of Ôchildren raised in the single parent family modelÕ. We can begin to move from the pain/dysfunctional model toward the opportunity of the new single parent family unit. Divorce is here to stay so we, as change agents, might as well come from a more accepting and acknowledging point of view. This not only allows for positive changes, but still includes room for all the trauma and upset of divorce. It merely recontextualizes it so that we see divorce as a difficult and challenging life transition and not as a terminal negative experience.